Limitless Monday: How To Tell Acquaintances From True Friends

Limitless Monday – Five qualities to sort an acquaintance from a friend

The other day, as I walked down the cleaning products aisle of my local supermarket, I began thinking about relationships. My thoughts were provoked by my current dysfunctional relationship, a relationship that, after eighteen months, hasn’t even progressed to meeting the parents.

I began to reflect on what constitutes the perfect relationship, if there is such a thing, where all my past relationships had gone wrong, and if the search for the perfect partner should continue.

There had to be a simple way to figure out if a relationship has a future, I concluded. “What are the key ingredients for a good life partner?” I asked myself.

I tested numerous qualities on all my past relationships of significance, and finally by the time I had reached the check-out counter I had reduced these down to five key ones.

Below are the five qualities that I believe each relationship must possess:

● Your partner must be attracted to you
● Your partner must be loyal
● Your partner must trust you
● Your partner must have faith in you
● Your partner must be into you

I believe that if any of these crucial ingredients are missing, the relationship is doomed.

In addition to the five qualities for a successful relationship, you must also determine whether you also possess these qualities. In other words, you should also be:

● Attracted to your partner
● Loyal to your partner
● Trust your partner
● Have faith in your partner
● Be into your partner

Again, if any of these elements are absent, the relationship is sure to crumble.

Obviously, in most cases, you are going to be answering these questions yourself on behalf of your partner. I tried talking these five questions through with my girlfriend, and it quickly escalated into an argument focused on the matter of whether she trusted me.

On reflection, I believe what is more important is how you feel about whether your partner trusts you or not, has faith in you, or is loyal to you, etc. It is said that the map is not the territory.

Your view and your partner’s are both your own, and are not a reflection on reality. How you reconcile these biased views when answering these questions is up to you.

I prefer to keep things simple and ask the questions of myself, but you may choose to speak to your partner, and consult with a few people who are close to your relationship for a more unbiased answer to these pertinent questions.

It is worth quickly looking at one of these qualities: ‘being into you’. What I mean by that is both you and your partner are into each other. You are interested in them, and them in you. You want to hear about their day, you are enthusiastic and supportive about their career, friends, and interests.

You are not obsessed, mind you. Your partner also has the same healthy interest in you. The problem is, in the world today, most people are into themselves. They adore the sound of their own voice, their own stories.

And with that total focus on themselves, there is little room in their attention span for their partner or friends to get a word in. They hear you, but they don’t listen. They only need you so they have someone to tell their stories or problems to.

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It’s a one sided relationship. If your partner suffers from this, it’s time to move on. If you suffer from it, then you have some serious contemplation ahead of you. Is this a condition you inflict only on your partner, or everyone you come across?

Recognizing this self-obsessed condition in ourselves is very difficult. If their partner draws attention to the problem, it is usually brushed aside as something that is, ‘in your head’. Remember, listening is the secret to learning and growth. Be a listener, not a talker.

Returning to the fateful supermarket visit. Later that same day, I began to think about how a few focused questions could ascertain whether a friend is truly a friend or merely an acquaintance, a subject close to my heart, as you will see shortly.

I was listening to a podcast recently, and the host had an annoying habit of talking about his numerous good friends. Most of them famous. I found this irritating as I believe the people he refers to as his ‘good friend so and so’ aren’t in fact friends at all, merely acquaintances.

It got me thinking, what constitutes a real friend? I wondered whether I could apply or adapt my five relationship qualities to determine whether certain people are friends or simply acquaintances. So here is my checklist. As per the relationship checklist, all qualities must be checked in order for that person to fall into the category of friend:

● The person must be loyal
● The person must trust you
● The person must have faith in you
● The person must be interested in you

Of course, as with the five relationship qualities above, you have to ask the same questions about your feelings towards the person in question.

Taking these friendship qualities a stage further: when I went away for a short stint in prison, I quickly discovered my true friends. I worked out that a genuine friend is one that doesn’t judge you, keeps in touch with you, and offers to help where he or she can. I was surprised to learn I had far more friends than I ever realized before entering that establishment. And the ones that didn’t step up to the plate presented no real surprise.

Whilst checking all four boxes will decide whether the person under the spotlight is a true friend or an acquaintance, you can also ask one final question: Would they be there for you if you had the misfortune of going to prison?

We all have only a handful of genuine friends. It is useful to know who fits into each category, for it is your friends who you make the most time for, and go out of your way to help. Acquaintances come and go. Maybe they have their purpose; they may be fun to hang out with, but they can never be relied on if the shit hits the fan.

And what has all this to do with Limitless Monday? Everything!

In order to reach our full potential, we must ensure we are not held back by excess baggage. Toxic relationships or relationships that are not long term, where you are biding your time for a better option to show up, or where you are hoping things will change, when you know deep down that he or she is never going to alter their habits.

These scenarios sap our time and energy, and provide needless emotional turmoil which takes us away from focusing on our purpose. Once you understand where your relationships sit, you can take action.

Today, run your most important relationships through this test, and decide who you will be focusing your time and energy on, and who you will be cutting loose, when and how. Once you make that decision, there is no turning back.

Happy Monday!

Banner Image: Friendship. Image Credit – Surface